Sunday, July 24, 2011

I'm Back... Because I care

So, I guess I will start this thing up again. Why? Because it is currently 11:11 p.m. and I am very, very bored. I am currently sitting in my bed in Emporia with my laptop on my lap covered in blankets despite the fact that it is about 80 degrees outside. It comforting, I guess. As I write this, my roommate is currently in his room on the other side of the wall to my left. He is with his girlfriend. And, I think, but I'm not sure, that they are both giggling. It might just be her, but I think there is a lower pitched one in there too. Anyway, it's annoying.

I'm not really sure what to write in this post, I kind of just wanted to start up again, because, you know, I am very, very bored. But I suppose I could leave you with something, if there is even anyone reading this... This summer I have come to realize, because of two main events, which I will get to in a bit, that all those people who tell you to live 'one day at a time' are full of shit. Seriously. It is so much easier to see your life on a plane than to see it as a series of connected, yet separate events, or days. And besides that, that is just not how life works. Every day lends itself to the next day, it all piles up and shapes everything. Obviously, this is kind of a "no shit" thing to say, but it completely debunks the 'live one day at a time' mindset, so it had to be said. To explain, I will use the two aforementioned events.

Event number one-- My maternal grandmother died on July 1st after a relatively short (about two months) bout with cancer. I will spare you the sappy 'she was such a strong person' and 'one of the greatest people I have ever met' routine because, frankly, none of it would mean a damn thing to you. What I will say is that it was so much easier throughout the entire process of her dying to think about it from a long-term perspective. What I mean is, I thought of myself at 50, and the memories I would want to have about my Grandma during this time. My 50 year self would, I decided, want me to be by her bed as often as possible, while the 23 year-old me might want to, I don't know, get drunk and bang out a horrid version of Tom Petty's Free Falling with an equally drunk guitarist. The 'one day at a time' part of me failed miserably during this time. Every time I got into that attitude, it did not end in the best possible management of time spent with her.

Slight tangent-- everyone kept telling me to 'live one day at a time' during the entire ordeal, and it was all the more infuriating. I know they were trying to console me, but COME ON! That is terrible advice to give, especially since most of those who told me this were older (50 or up), so, I assume, they had been through death before. Now, I suppose it is entirely possible that the 50 year-old version of myself that I created in my mind is a friggin' moron, and that the REAL me at 50 will look back and shake his head in disgust, but I suppose time will only tell (if I don't decide to join the 27 Club).

Event number two-- This one is going to look stupid compared to the previous one, but I have decided to postpone going to grad. school for a least a year. I think I would have loved school, but funding was an issue. I also feel like I should do some living for awhile. When I was having a lot of trouble making the decision, I kept thinking that it was a now or never thing, but once I stopped with the 'one day at a time' mindset, I realized that I do not have to set in motion the entirety of my future at 23, and for that matter nobody should. Once I got it in my head that I WASN'T having some sort of existential crisis, I was able to figure out what I wanted. It really was that simple-- a change in mindset.

Anyway, I am glad I am blogging and hopefully there is someone reading. If not, whatever, it's therapeutic.


  1. School will always be there. Your self won't if you don't give it time to grow. Well, it'll be there but it'll change in a different way. You sound like you need time to grieve and work through some personal times and things. It is okay to let yourself do this. It is not a thing to be ashamed of. Take care of yourself more than taking care of what you think your self should be.

  2. I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother. Did you enjoy your time with her?