Wednesday, September 23, 2009
the vibration of the world that ignores itself until its trash becomes its truth. I stop, the deadened daytime canalway, as ships flash by at slow speeds and I feel the rhythm, rhythm, tap, tap, tap, tap, this beat keeps it going. The fear of thinking a thousand thoughts at once and not knowing which one to say, nay, to shout at the captain carrying his load down to the Waal. We all carry our loads to the Waal. Let it flow, into a pool of thought, meaningless to everyone else. Tap, tap, tap ,tap. Move, feel, sob, sniff, bat your fucking eyes. Lifeisbutadream. For a moment, you think you’ve got it figured out. A vision of Ginsberg hearing Blake in the back of his head. Talking something about a rose. There are moments when I am certain I know what it feels like to go completely, irrevocably, insane. Like when you can actually shut off all the noise and think, clear. Not analyze conversations in Dutch, not scrutinizing what some hack is saying about Kerouac, not conceal my displeasure with countrymen… really think, in silence, or in haywire, frenzied, frantically scrawled articulations that are unintelligible… even to me at times… “I feel what people will say… it plays out in my mind before it happens, y’know?” The Calcit blows that thick horn and creeps by, sending shockwaves to nearby, neatly man-made banks, housing me, and my uncomfortable stature and silence. The confused, awkward, hair-never-lays-quite-flat, modest analytic, pathetic, new adult, struggling with honesty, and the complexities of male/female relationship statuses… For the first time not being quasi-honest, not holding back… love exists for the same reason god exists- to keep everyone from becoming me- cynical, skeptical, bottom lip sticking out as if in thought, though really just unsure of what else to do. To stop analyzing everything would mean a total disassembly of my newly acquired, and permittable self, the semi-unique, yet totally recycled human contained in this body of uninspired proportions. Who, in reading of the wonders of genius minds gone crazy with wit, longs to achieve some ridiculous version of this in himself. Perceiving analytic thought to be essential to this quest, he challenges everything said to him in his mind, and therefore devalues the greatest skill one can have—that of the exclusive club of the 5 senses which can really be said to be the wisest of the troupe, the master of the others in ways the others no nothing of… the wonders of which transcend any thought a person can have… The magnificence of that all too important lesson, that one should hear without speaking and listen without the threat of wandering mind or thought of what to say next.